Many people write to me asking for insight into their situations. Here are some of those questions and my responses.
If you would like a different perspective on a relationship issue...ask me. Because of experience and common sense, I'm kind of an expert : )
Q: Terese, I'm a 41 year old lesbian who recently connected with a childhood friend after 28 years. I think that I am crushed out on my friend. She is still as beautiful both in and out as I remembered. My partner was there during our reconnection and later asked me is this was one of my childhood crushes and I replied "no." Maybe I did like her back then and did not realize. I know about other crushed. All I know is I can't stop thinking about her, while driving home I wanted to hold her hand. I am trying to pinpoint if my feelings are based on excitement of continuing our friendship or if I really like this woman. She had a picture of me in her album that I gave her when I was 13. I am a bit confused at the moment. Any advice?
A: Here’s the thing, D…re-connecting with an ex or old crush is always exciting at first. It gives us an instant adrenaline rush. I compare it to finding a $20 dollar bill in one of your pockets. You know, it’s an unexpected little treat that tends to brighten your day. But it’s a fleeting feeling, because next week you probably won’t find another $20. And you won’t feel that flurry of excitement that you previously did.
I say all of this because you mentioned that you are currently in a relationship. If you were single and carefree and able to run with whatever whim that you develop, we would be having a different conversation. But you have to look at the bigger picture. You can try and hold on to the “$20 dollar high”, but you risk jeopardizing what you already have. Now, I don’t know about your relationship with your present partner…whether it’s new or you’re in love, or having problems, etc. But if after 28 years you haven’t been continually thinking of this old friend, googling her, writing journal entries about the next time you meet, chances are what you’re feeling now isn’t worth pursuing. Because if it were real and you truly liked/loved her, you would know…you wouldn’t have to question it.
So, I suggest that you simply continue to smile secretly to yourself, and maybe fantasize once or twice about “what if” with your old buddy. But after that, remember that $20 bucks doesn’t last long, and once it’s spent…you’re left with just an empty pocket.
Q: Terese, Ok so I've been with my boyfriend for a little more than a year now. We had a big blowout over him lying to me about going to a nightclub in Korea (where the girls are dragged into the room by waiters to be checked out by the guys -- don't ask) and he and a girl exchanged numbers. He claims that his drunken friend gave it to her when she asked his friend rather than asking my boyfriend directly. So after that incident I told him out of respect to me that he shouldn't contact that girl. He said that she knows that he has a girlfriend but wanted to remain "close friends" with him. I believe in girl intuition and I have the feeling that she likes him and wants to stay in contact because she thinks she can get him for herself (I mean after all -- he is an attached guy who was at a nightclub solely intended for single guys). After we both came back to America, I found out that they've been talking on the phone. I flipped balls, and he claimed that they were only talking about how they should hook up their friends and etc. He is supposedly SO in love with me and wants to get married (we've both met each others parents) but he has this shady way of him in talking to girls. What do you think?
A: What I find most interesting about your question, J, is that you already know the answer! Thing is, there are certain levels of respect that must be maintained in a monogamous relationship, and it's clear to me, and most importantly, clear to you, that your man has no regard for them.
Rule number one when you have a girlfriend: No more random number exchanging with chicks in clubs when it's clear that the chick is interested. Period. That "close friends" business is BS because hello- she doesn't even know your man! All she knows is that she wants him and wants to know more.
So, I suggest telling your man that you're still uncomfortable with him talking to her. If he can't respect that, red flag! After all, you deserve to feel secure in your relationship, and it might be kind of hard to do that if your boyfriend is chatting it up on a regular with girls who want to be "close".
Q: Terese, I do have a question that I definitely need help with. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We've never had infidelity problems...until now. I found an email from a girl he used to work with. It was a picture of her, nude up top. I also found a few text messages from here that were definitely suggestive. I haven't found anything from him to her. He says he doesn't have any interest in her. He says that she is coming on to him. Lately, he's had a few late nights at work and now there's a "big convention" coming up that lasts an entire weekend.
He says I'm just reading too much into it. So I'm thinking I might just buy myself a plane ticket and make a surprise visit to him during his "convention."
Am I just being overly worrisome or do I need to park my ass on that plane??
A: Ok, L, a couple of things:
1) Trust yourself always. It's the freakin' golden rule of relationships and life in general. We don't have intuition for nothing, ya know?
2) In situations like these, where another woman is making moves on your man, it is primarily HIS responsibilty to handle it and shut her down, quickly. You're his lady...you shouldn't have to get your hands dirty. Now, if he takes a nonchalant attitude about it and continues to allow her to disrespect you and your relationship, it then becomes your right and maybe even your duty to put her in her place (and him because he's let this nonsense go too far).
Of course, be mature, be sophisticated about it. But be firm. If you do go to the convention, be prepared for what it may reveal. But know in the end you were the better person.
